As a pastor, weddings are one of my least favorite things to do. It's not that they are a ton of work or that I don't like the service; what I don't like is the expectations.
Inevitably the first 3 questions someone asks when they inquire about my officiating at their wedding are: i) how many people does your building seat? ii) how much does it cost? and iii) can I see the church? No one has EVER asked me: i) can I make a contribution to the church for this service? ii) what will it mean for us to invite God into this marriage? or iii) are you open to us coming to worship on Sundays?
The first wedding I did was for a couple that lived in a neighbouring town. The groom was the son of a parishioner. Dutifully, in order to facilitate pre-marriage counseling, I drove an hour to their home and an hour back on 6 separate occasions. My "take" on that wedding was $40 which didn't even cover my gas. I learned from that experience.
Our church now asks for $150 "donation" to the church and $150 for the pastor. But, sometimes I'd like to say to couples the fee is 10%. "Uh... 10% of what pastor?" they'd ask. To which I would answer "10% of the total cost of your wedding." At which point I wouldn't have to do the wedding anymore because they'd be out the door faster than you can say jackrabbit.
Somehow people think that the church should be available to marry whomever, whenever, where ever they wish. I once had someone ask me if I could marry them in the local United Church. "it has a nicer and larger interior" was their reasoning. Being Lutheran I wondered what the United Church pastor might have to say about that.
The problem is, people view the church like any other consumer service. If Walmart doesn't have what you want you go to Sears. If one church doesn't have the pastor you like or the building to set off the day then keep shopping. For so many people getting married is all about the dress, the flowers, the isle length. People tell me they don't want a "religious" service or to make a big deal of the wedding but, in the same breath they'll spend an hour taping pew markers to be straight. A pastor friend of mine was once asked if "all that stuff could be moved out of the way;" the "stuff" in question was the pulpit, altar, and font.
When I ask people why they want to get married in the church again there are usually 3 responses: i) they give the "right" answer in a canned speech, ii) they tell me grandma/grandpa (or insert other significant relative name here) insists on it, or iii) where else is there to get married? I always tell people they have the option of calling the marriage commissioner, he'll do the service without the religion and you can name the place.
Now, lest you think I'm bitter or in it for the money that's not it at all. It's just that people seem to have a very skewed understanding of the role of the church in the community. The church is not a service provider (marry, bury, baptize) but, a faith developer. It's a place to come a meet God and through ongoing visits build a relationship. Like a marriage, that takes time and commitment.
Perhaps the church should get out of the wedding business altogether. Perhaps the church should say "Oh, we don't do weddings anymore, you'll have to have a civil wedding but, you can come back to the church later, when you're ready for a service of blessing." My guess is that lots of couples would never bother to come back but, others would. They would come back when they were ready to take the next step of commitment in their relationship, when they were ready to share their spouse with God, when they were ready to be more serious about their future, when they wanted to deepen their relationship. I'd be happy to do that service, gratis.
NMW
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